We’ve all had those nights where we couldn’t sleep. Whether it was because of a girl, a friend, a family member, money problems, or school we have all dealt with insomnia in some way shape or form. Lately I have had that insomnia. And it hasn’t been for one particular thing. It’s basically been an amalgam of everything. I have come dangerously close to permanently ending a relationship with a girl I have such strong feelings for that I want to marry her. She is everything to me and without her I am lost. She is the only proper escape I have from a delusional reality where I feel I am truly accepted for just who I am. I feel she is only person who truly understands me. She is my yin to my yang, the light for my darkness, and the cure for my disease. And I was stupid enough to ruin that. Andrea if you read this I am so sorry.

I’ve also lost some great friends over the past year. Again for my stubborn ways and my intolerance for patience I have driven people away and frightened of me. My good friend Lindsay now refuses to speak to me and I miss her so much. We would go to one of our favorite places to eat (Del Taco) and just talk. It didn’t matter about what, we’d just talk. She was such a great listener and I was dumb enough to drive her away with one of my mood swings and temper tantrums. Lindsay if you read this I’m so sorry.

Lately my sister and I have become closer than ever. She has told me some personal things she would otherwise not have told me in the past if I hadn’t opened up to her. She’s also a great listener and always looks out for me and worries about me. I just want to do the brotherly thing and protect her. I love her not just because she’s my sister and she’s family but because she is now a good friend of mine. She has become my confident just as Andrea and Lindsay once were. I can’t tell you how lucky I am to have a sister like her. Thank you Marisa.

Greed doesn’t overrule me but I do have a desire to make more money. Hell I think everyone does, unless you’re Bill Gates of course. Between this large credit card bill I have and me constantly giving money out to people I find I actually have very little for myself. Not that I need more, I’ve always been a spoiled kid but I have that want and desire to make more money so my options are open with what to do. I would like to move out of my house and grow up a little. I’d like to buy people things I think they need. I am a much better giver than a receiver. The best gift I’ve ever given was a star (yes a literal star) for Andrea. I have never heard someone so happy in my life after I gave her that star. And I wouldn’t trade anything in the world to hear that again. My goal now is to top that but I think in order for me to do that I have buy the Milky Way Galaxy and rename it to the Andrea/Babyface Galaxy (Babyface is her horse). You know, something out of my price range. Anyways, with a new job and a plan on how to spend less money I think I can regenerate some of the funds I’ve lost over the past holidays.

School on the other hand is a huge stress factor. I missed my registration date so by the time I got to it I was on a lot of waitlists. And on top of that I have to retake a math course I dreaded the first time. I’ve always had a great memory so that was never the issue. It’s processing the data and relating to things that was the challenge. I have to find the right mnemonics in order to understand and store it to the best of my ability. So hopefully with this semester that’s coming up I’ll do even better than the first and I’ll excel and graduate on time.

Even with all these hardships and pain I’d like to thank everyone who stayed with me. I will be the first to admit I am not an easy person to get along with. It has to do with the people who shaped me from my past but that’s a whole other story. I want to thank everyone who has put up with my stubbornness, anger, hate, condescendence, nativity, negativity and darkness. For without all you guys and gals I’d be dead already and worm food by now. You all are what keep me alive, well, functioning, and alert. So for that I’ll leave you with a verse of a poem I wrote for all of you as my way of thanking you for giving a wretched man the best times of his life…

We will find a center
We will find a medium
We will rest there until our souls are compressed
And we are one