STEP 1: Grab yourself some booze and a mixer.

For light drinkers, I highly recommend a sweeter mix. It makes the tonic go down so much easier when the bitter after taste is masked in fruity or sugary goodness. Vodka and lemonade for instance is a sure fire way to get yourself good and toasted. Use one part vodka and three parts lemonade if you have a virgin liver, but those well versed in the alcoholic arts will find that a fifty-fifty mixture works wonders. Of course, it's all in what vodka you choose to use.

I'm sure we've all indulged in the bargain basement $15 for a two-liter bottle of vodka. The kind that can't possibly be more than slightly distilled fermented excretion of a wood rat's bladder. I mean, hey, who doesn't love the idea of getting drunk for less? However, what you save at the register you pay for the next morning in the number of pain killers you have to pop down to stop your head from screaming “Why?! Why?!” So, let's skip the assortment of booze that's marketed towards 14-year-olds out for their first binge not knowing any better and get to the good stuff. Smirnoff? Don't make me laugh. Belvedere? Blasphemy! Grey Goose? Naw. Kettle One. Now that's the stuff. $40 for the 1.5 liter, and worth every penny. Trust me, your taste buds will thank you tonight and your head will thank you in the morning. Don't forget the H2O throughout the night either.

Now, what about the veterans out there? Those whose tolerance has reached a level where drinking is not only an undertaking, drunkenness is a challenge. These people will find that consuming enough sugary, fruity elixir to achieve the desired result produces a very nauseating effect as all the sugar condenses at the bottom of the stomach. So, for these hearty fellows, Jack and Captain got your back. Grab a bottle of good ol' Tennessee whiskey or a bottle of rum and mix with a dark soda of your choice. Coke and Dr Pepper are a prime pick. Finally, for those adventurous types, give Captain and ice tea with lemon a whirl. With this combo, you get get your booze and your hydration in one drink.

STEP 2: Throw all your morals, beliefs, and common sense out the window

Remember, the essay isn't about what you think, it's about what your teacher told you to think. Don't believe me? If you're a liberal, try taking a criminal justice class taught by an active duty cop. If you're a conservative, try taking a humanities class. If you're a free thinker, go to college period and you should learn real quick that what is being taught flies in the face of all that is moderate and rational. Hopefully by now you've consumed enough liquefied benevolence to cope with not being able to inject your own common sense and can get down to the real task at hand: regurgitating the slop they rammed down your throat.

If booze is the opium of the masses, then education is false consciousness. It can help to think of it as a cleansing. You're releasing yourself of the phony knowledge they implanted in your consciousness. Also, you can inject your own brand of sarcasm and/or humor. If the content is there and if the answers they taught you are present, the teachers are powerless to unleash punitive measures against your penned protest. Nothing is more satisfying that getting an “A” on a paper that you know the teacher had to read and bear through your twisted sense of funny. Just like the notorious golden shower puppet scene in Team America. You really think the producers, directors and creators actually thought that scene would make it into theaters? No. Then why would they go through all the trouble of making it? Because they knew the rating association would have to sit there and watch it. And that's funny.

So, while you're subjecting the teacher to your own brand of piss and blasphemy, the trick is not to get too carried away and let the topic run away with you. Remember your AA meetings: you are in control, it's not. If you feel yourself tightening up and the words don't run so freely, toss back another shot. A glass full of tonic helps the pages fill up. Keep this going for a while, but be careful not to pull an all niter. Pretty soon you've reached your target page count, emptied your memory banks and your glasses. And if you've done it right, you're drunk to the nines and ready to pass out into the best sleep you've had all semester.

STEP 3: Wake up and smell the coffee

If you followed the instructions in Step 1 correctly, you will wake up refreshed. This and the pressure of the impending due date will make you the most focused human being in the world. Now you get to sit down and proof read your paper. Most grammatical errors are over looked when proof reading your own work because you know what you meant to write and assume it's all there in black and white. However, one of the bonuses of this magnificent three step program is that if followed correctly, you probably won't remember what you typed the night before. So your paper is new to you! Now you get to go over the paper as if it was fresh off someone else's press. That, combined with the fact you will be diligently trying to piece together the fragments of what you were trying to say, will ensure that grammatical errors will get noticed.

Once you've got the pieces put together, and in the correct order, the finished product will be a magnificent work of art. A tribute to scholarly achievement and your passion for analogies consisting of loony tunes and sports plays.

Now, I can personally attest to the greatness of this three step program. First, a portion of this paper was written while drunk (I think). Second, it works so well, I brought my grade up from a B to an A starting with Step 1 at 10pm the night before the class the paper was due. Step 2 didn't even commence until 1am. Don't believe me? Just ask my American Studies teacher. Although, I have to say, seeing her teach was like watching Wile E Coyote set out to perform a hat trick.